Getting out of my head

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Well, that happened.

I’m one of these incredibly annoying persons who dreams HUGE.

And then I crash and burn and just, sort of flounder.

I’ve been doing okay at some things the last while, but writing, obviously, has not been one of them.

Part of the problem has been some unexpected happenings that threw me off my groove. All year I’ve had an idea about what I wanted to do/accomplish this year, and unfortunately the first major step to making that happen included an application process, which I did not make it through. I mean, I got my application in, but I was not accepted into the thing. So, no thing for me.

Which meant the entirety of my planning months of chronicling my adventures was suddenly useless. Not to mention the self-loathing I had to fight against. Completing the application was incredibly daunting for me, but it never actually occurred to me for REAL that I wouldn’t be accepted. So, obviously, that’s my fault.

It took some time to put that destructive thinking aside.

At the same time as dealing with my mental games I got really, really, REALLY sick. For about an entire month.

Then writing turned into something stressful for me. Which wasn’t its purpose in the first place. And as I’ve thought about writing something I’ve thought, I don’t have anything good enough to write. Or anything to say. I have no direction at the moment.

I felt like my blog had to be this big, huge, instant success. When in reality, the MAIN purpose of inventing this little space on the internet was for ME. For ME to have my outlet back, for me to stretch my brain in a way it usually likes to work.

What do I need to do to be “good enough” to just get it done for myself?

What a load of crap.

Perfectionism is exhausting.

I’m trying to get better at abandoning that garbage. I’m not writing about being perfect. I’m SO far from that. I’m sitting in my disgustingly cluttered home surrounded by piles and piles of STUFF I had planned to attack and get rid of this past week. But we were invaded by ants, and life keeps going on, and I’m only one person, and it just did NOT all get done.

And you know what? I had a good week anyway.

I used to actually really love blogging. I did! Then I read all these how-to guides and suggestions about how to make a go of it, and how important images are and blah blah blah. And now I DREAD writing a post because I don’t just get to sit and write anymore. Now I have to write something compelling AND find/create the perfect image and tag it properly and let’s not even START talking about search engine optimization, because that leaves my head just spinning around and around and around….

I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t handle it all.

And when I get overwhelmed I just hide. I ignore it.

And then I feel worse about it and myself for ignoring it and the longer it goes without attention from me the more horrible a person I am, and around and around that fun circle for a while.

So today? Today’s post we have no images. Today’s post we don’t even have a POINT. No, today I’m just thinking “out loud,” letting my fingers fly across this computer keyboard, as I practice not really giving a crap about any of the rules. Today I’m just here for me. Today I’m fighting back with a baby step. Because baby steps can be major wins for this head of mine. Now I can’t hate on me for ignoring this one tiny little section of my life anymore.

Maybe I’ll be back tomorrow and I’ll tell you more about the story.

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